What The Fuck, America?
Okay, I'm just going to say it: What the fuck, America?
Let me back up a fucking step. I fucking love America. I grew up in a border town and spent a lot of time in the Rust Belt as a kid. I fucking loved it.
As I've grown up, I've spent more time in America, all over America, and I've fucking loved that, too. I love how fucking friendly you are. I love your openness and fucking generosity of spirit.
I love your fucking multitudinous varieties of breakfast cereal and I love how you put a man on the fucking moon.
I love our undefended border and how the captain of your Olympic women's hockey team and the captain of our Olympic women's hockey team fell in love and had a baby together and if that cute little fucking baby isn't the best symbol of our enduring fucking friendship then I don't know what the fuck is.
(I mean, come the fuck on.)
I love America. But what the fuck, guys?
What in the actual fuck?
I've been trying like fuck to avoid talking politics and whatever else on here and on social media. Not because I'm afraid of alienating my fucking readers, because fuck that, but because it's really fucking hard on my mental health to be so goddamn fucking enraged all the time.
It's like, I used to live with an addict, for, like, fucking years, and I loved the fuck out of her, even when she did really gnarly shit.
I loved her so much I fucking worried and stressed so much about her fucking addiction and I couldn't do fuck all about it.
I could tell her how I fucking felt until I was blue in the face and I could show her how her fucking addiction was hurting me and us and fucking *destroying* her, but all of that was just blah fucking blah and it never changed a goddamn thing.
I still felt fucking helpless and worried all the time.
I still internalized all the bad fucking vibes her addiction was bringing into my life.
And eventually I had to fucking step back and disengage for the sake of my fucking sanity, and realize that the only way she was going to get better was if she decided she really fucking *wanted* to get better.
And I could love her or leave her, but I couldn't fucking change her.
Guys, Americans, that's how we all out here in the rest of the fucking world feel right now.
Because most of us really like you. A few don't, but fuck 'em.
I'm a junkie for American politics. I broke up with a girl because she didn't want to stay up to watch fucking Obama's fucking victory speech in 2008.
I fucking cried with the rest of y'all when the Supreme Court affirmed the rights of fucking gay people to get fucking married. If I had a bigger ass I'd get Justice Anthony Kennedy's opinion tattooed all across it.
That shit is fucking beautiful.
But after Trump got in and did his fucking thing for a while, I had to stop. I unfollowed like, Katy Tur and Jake Tapper and, fucking, Bill Kristol and all those fucking people who were giving me my fix every morning, and I tried to focus on projecting positivity into the world by only retweeting fucking really cute dog pictures and jokes and shit.
But holy fuck.
I realize how much of a fucking luxury it is to be able to tune out of all this shit, by the way. And I guess I was able to bury my head in the fucking sand until they started stealing fucking children.
What the fuck is going on down there?
How the fuck are y'all lying to fucking families seeking asylum and caging their fucking children up?
How the fuck are your ICE people cracking jokes about that shit? And your leadership fucking bald-faced lying about it all?
How the fuck are you invoking the fucking Bible to justify this fucking shit? Setting aside the fact that stealing fucking kids and putting them in cages is *not very fucking Christian*, what the fuck happened to the separation of church and fucking state?
(And I know it's not all Christians who're down with stealing fucking babies. I know plenty of good, God-fearing people who are as appalled as the rest of us are by this fucking mess.
But hell, every fucking Muslim with a blue check mark on Twitter *been* had to stand up and be accountable every time some asshole drives a fucking van into a crowd in the name of Allah, so y'all Christians need to come for your boy Sessions, because what in the actual fuck.)
Come on.
How the fuck is this collection of historically ignorant, incompetent, craven, greedy, smug, overfed corrupt motherfuckers about to bring down the Greatest Motherfucking Democracy in the World?
How the fuck do these motherfuckers get to stand up at that lectern every day and tell bald-faced motherfucking lies and nobody seems to have a handle on how to get them to curb that shit?
How the fuck are these unqualified fucking boobs enriching themselves on the taxpayer's fucking teat and all any of us can do is keep refreshing fucking Twitter to see if the homey Mueller or the New York State AG have anything, ANYTHING, that could possibly be interpreted as the first fucking glimmer of the fucking light at the end of the fucking tunnel?
How do we have to see fucking Rudy Giuliani and Sarah Huckabee Sanders and all those lying-ass, craven Fox News motherfuckers all the fucking time?
Oh...
And what the fuck is up with all the mass fucking shootings?
What the fuck is up with people *still* going bankrupt because they got fucking cancer? How the fuck is that still acceptable?
Why do y'all hate women and gay people and Blacks and Hispanics and Muslims? I know that doesn't describe most of you, but holy fucking hell does it sure describe a lot of you.
And what's your fucking beef with science, anyway? Or fucking knowledge of any kind, for that matter? It was your knowledge and innate, insatiable curiosity that fucking put planes in the air, motherfuckers. If anyone can save the fucking world, it's scientists. *Your* fucking scientists most of all, many of whom happen to be immigrants, but what the fuck ever.
And another thing, what the fuck is up with the NRA? Those motherfuckers have time to pick fights with teenage shooting survivors and, like, tweet about fucking witchcraft, but where the fuck were they when Philando Castille was fucking murdered?
What the fuck?
Why the fuck is your boy picking fights with us fucking Canadians and fucking saluting North Korean military dudes?
And openly courting the admiration of dudes like Kim Jong-fucking-un and Roderigo fucking Judge Dredd Duterte? And motherfucking PUTIN?
This whole fucking Russia thing? Does nobody in the fucking GOP have a motherfucking spine?
I mean, fuck.
And fucking quote-un-fucking-quote Space Force??
I mean, but really though: What in the ever-loving fuck is going on down there, America?
I love you.
*We* love you.
But y'all are giving off a serious Reichstag vibe right now, and it's really fucking scary.
And it's painfully fucking obvious that none of us, inside or out of your beautiful country, have the first fucking clue what to do about it.
Fuck.